Walk On

I'm teaching myself to walk again 

Burnt and bruised 

Frayed and misshapen 

Blistered and torn 

Tattered and bloodied 

Step by step

I march 

Feeling my way though the darkness, the shadows, the pain, the fear, the raw open wounds 

Enlivened by every move 

Bringing more breath, more oxygen 

To each cell of my body 

The cells themselves have life 

They are encoded and encrypted with the energy of life 

Past, Present, Future 

They await my messages

They await my drive 

They await my momentum

They await my information 

They await my activation 

I will infuse them

With the breath of stillness

Of gentleness and ether 

Of the stars and the cosmos 

The heavens 

The depths of the earth 

The sacred dirt that rests at our feet

Waiting for us to move 

The earth which grounds us, restores us, gives us life and awaits the inhale and exhale of our existence 

I walk

I walk 

I can't recall when I have done this before, but surely my knowing does 

For the information is my own

I can all but see the path ahead except I won't allow it yet 

I am sitting in present time and learning again and again and again 

How to walk, how to breathe, how to move, how to make love to the world and all its inhabitants 

There are limitless gifts 

There are limitless possibilities 

Yet, I am lost in the unknown of it all 

But, I can find my feet 

My left and then my right 

One inch, one foot, maybe a mile and then a marathon

Where to? 

The destination is the journey, the path 

Of Self 

Of selflessness 

of unconditional love

of connectedness 

of One

Walk, my friend, I Am Here 

All Things Are Possible

the wind flows through us

into every crevice

washing away the old

stale

burdensome

nothingness

cleansing our insides

purifying, enchanting, lovely

we feel the shift

the re-alignment

the return to center

slowly

we embrace ourselves

queens of the natural world

goddess of the trees

we are one, they are us and we are them

we breathe in, they breathe out

we mold, we continue

the light beckons

let me enter

let me shed upon the darkest places 

an eternal flame

you will shine

you will rise from where you're sitting

you will be enveloped by love

you will see that indeed 

all things are possible 

A Birthday Blessing

I can feel the weight and weightlessness of all those who love me 

Who have ever loved me 

Who I have ever loved 

Urging me on 

Guiding me 

Holding my hand 

Encouraging me 

As I walk into these unknown places 

I hear Truth whisper 

You are never alone 

I 

Am

Never

Alone 

You are loved beyond measure 

I 

Am 

Love(d) 

We lift up one another 

Life has just begun 

In each new breath 

Now

And again and again 

And so it is 

Amen. 

Starter Marriage

Thirteen years ago today on a beach in Bermuda, I got married. Surrounded by our closest friends and family, (maybe even you were there), we made promises, circled one another, exchanged rings, and broke a glass. It was a magical and enchanted night and weekend. I felt I was present for all of it, if not a bit intoxicated with the anticipation and longing for a life yet to be. After six years together we were ready to move forward. But if I'm being truthful, the caution signs were there, and maybe they were even big, red stop signs. But we both ignored them all. 

We celebrated one anniversary together and by that time I was a shell of myself. The specifics aren't important, although at the time they felt monumental, but by the time Halloween came around, I was out the door. It took me one week or even less to mutilate an entire home into only what I could fit into my car, along with my two canine companions. The last thing I remember seeing before I left was my $2400 wedding dress on the floor of the dining room, in a pile of dirt and dust, still in its plastic, still waiting to be taken to a special cleaners to be preserved. It never made it, I'm sure. I couldn't even look at it. There are still times when I'm in search of a family possession and when I can't find it, it hits me, I gave it AWAY, I let it GO, I couldn't care for it AND me. I chose me. Yes, I chose me. 

It took many miles (metaphoric and physical) and many years of healing to let go of those unfulfilled promises and lost connections. To let go of the feelings of failure, guilt, shame, blame. To let go of the life I thought I would have and grab a hold of the life I must have. 

Soon after my divorce was FINAL I read a book that called first marriages that ended quickly, happened in your twenties or thirties that came with enormous growth periods (i'm simplifying for blogging purposes) "starter marriages" and although it suggests a relationship with less purpose and roots than I believe is true of most of these marriages (mine included), I have used and admired the term ever since. 

Today during my morning meditation, upon realizing that today is in fact August 4th, this is what came bubbling forth...

Starter marriages are only for those of us who are willing to have our hearts broken wide open and who are willing to be left with nothing but FAITH that they will keep loving and being loved, again and again. They are only for those of us who need to learn that they ARE love and that the truest love comes from loving ourselves and that outside love is only a reflection of inside love. 

Starter marriages are only for those of who get that there is strength and power in changing our minds and following our guts and listening to our hearts and believing we deserve all that we desire to create, even if that means hurting people we care about and feeling utterly alone. 

Starter marriages are only for those of us who are okay with taking risks, dreaming big, and loving with whole hearts. They are only for those of us who get that the length of a marriage, or any relationship, does not dictate the effect it has on our learning, or on how deeply we care for another individual, or on how successful we have been in loving and being loved.

Starter marriages are only for those of us who understand intuitively that words and paper do not alone create meaning upon which an entire life can be built. They teach us that the foundation to create a lifetime of love and devotion begin only within the structures of our own spirit, soul, and body. 

And starter marriages teach us the sometimes awful truth that love just isn't enough to make a marriage work. Love for another person can't fill the gaps that are only there for us to heal, it can't illuminate the shadows within us when the only light we need is the one that shines from within. And as strong as the loving connection between two people can be, it simply won't stand in the way when those people understand that their time is through, even if they don't know why. And that is mainly because LOVE doesn't end just because the relationship does. In fact, I don't think it ever ends, but that's another story. 

Maybe you can learn all these things without ever having a starter marriage. I bet many of you have. We are all infinite beings capable of creating our own journey to discover what is TRUE for us, and this was my way. And maybe my "was-band's" way too. (Don't you love that term? - it's borrowed) Really, all that's left to say is how grateful I am for the EXPERIENCE of it. And to have had such a strong agreement with an individual who was willing to dare right along with me. And even more, I am grateful for the truth of HOPE which is clearly this - you can always BEGIN AGAIN. 




(For Mark - who stands by my side, and for whom I said "yes" again.) 

Blessed Is Woman

Blessed is woman 

Who gives birth to her dreams

Blessed is woman 

Who gives birth to her visions 

Blessed is woman 

Who gives birth to her children 

Blessed is woman

Who gives birth to herself 

Blessed is woman 

Who births the world 

Amen 

Freedom

Let's talk Passover, shall we? 

When you have been living for so long within a certain system of beliefs, change and growth can be, well, a seemingly insurmountable challenge. Similar to say, coming out of slavery after hundreds of years. 

These things that enslave us, metaphorically speaking, they can be stuck, lodged, in our bodies, both physical and energetic. Sometimes they are manifestations of choices or agreements we have made in present time or our current lives but more than likely they are connected to or have come to us from generations, lifetimes ago. These stories have been written in our books, tattooed on our psyches, engraved in our hearts, stored in our souls, tethered to our ankles or wrists. They truly bind us. 

They terrorize us. 

They stop us. 

They blind us. 

But, they are not us. 

And that acknowledgement is a step towards the journey to freedom. 

Right now is a tremendous time on so many levels and in so many ways, no matter what your religion or spiritual conviction, no matter who you are, to create CHANGE. To let go of that which is no longer serving you and move into, rather, dive head first into the life you are craving to create. The life you must live. The life you were made to have. Your Offering. 

So where are you on your journey to Freedom? 

Maybe right now you are in Pharaoh consciousness. From where you sit, the world looks as it should. You've got it "under control". Yet, you live your life instilling fear in everyone around you, including yourself. This is how I've been taught, this is how it's always been done, you tell yourself. Yet you hear the voices calling to you, there is another way, they say. You are not ready to listen, not yet. 

Or maybe right now you are in Israelite consciousness. You know there can be a different life, you know there is something more. You can see yourself in this new life, you can taste it, you can feel it, you want your children to live this way, but you feel powerless to change the circumstances surrounding you. So you keep going, waiting for the day your prayers will be answered. You work hard, you do your best, but you feel the heavy weight of what is missing in your life. You continue to practice faith, practice prayer, and hold on tight to your community. You are ready for the next step. 

Or maybe right now you are in Moses consciousness. A bit timid, maybe, but certainly humble and proud. You recognize your fears, you hear your self doubt, at times you are unsure of what move to make. But you are filled with faith, with strength. You are grounded in your conviction. You know the voice that will prevail is the still small voice inside of you, echoing your most sacred heart. So you make your move and find courage to step out into the unknown, listening to your guides, and doing what you are called to do. You are ready. 

No matter what space you are in, no matter where you are currently sitting, there is more awaiting you. More surprises, more opportunities, more miracles. All for your highest good. 

What we know from our wise Passover story is that ahead there may be doubt, frustration, fear of failure, desire to give up, to retreat. There may be tests, agreements we create to push ourselves to become more. There may quite possibly be an entire (metaphoric) sea to cross. There may be endless days and nights of searching. And certainly there will be time to ponder, to pray, to cry, to learn, to yearn, and finally to enter a new territory. 

But you know what I'm wondering? What if in these changing times there is a new story to write, about moving away from that which bonds us? 

What if with all the shifts happening and all the resources available to each one of us, this challenging journey wouldn't have to last for 40 years, or forty lifetimes or even 40 days? 

What if while we are wandering into our hearts and our souls, seeking to free ourselves, our hands could simply hold into the light the aspects of ourselves which have sat in darkness and in shadow and we could merely ask for the blessing of Freedom and it would just Be? Another sort of offering, perhaps? 

What if with the power of our Self-Love and the power of Grace we could transform those old stories and watch them shift in our bodies, releasing from our space? 

What if while we sit in meditation, or by a lake, or with our loved ones, or on a mountaintop, or in the bath, or with our therapist, or anywhere we feel safe, we could continue to let go of, to surrender those engravings, those tattoos, those shackles, to the One to Spirit to Love? 

What if while observing those old pictures gently but eagerly ooze our of our being, we could sit and breathe new life into our cells? And what if by doing so those past triggers won't unlock the same doors, the same responses? The keys simply won't work anymore, there will be new pathways emerging, the keys will open a new door. One that is molded the way of our conscious choosing. 

Then maybe we can begin to write a new book for ourselves about Presence and Patience and Certainty and Gratitude and what it means to Thrive In Joy. 

Now that sounds like a promised land to me. 

Amen.  

WORRY

I wrote this post over a year ago when I set up this blog and then put it all on hold. I was inspired recently to get back here and re-read this first post. I am publishing it now, and will continue. I promise...

I have been a devout worrier all my life, or at least as long as I can remember. Ask anyone who knows me well, I take worrying to new levels. It sounds funny to write or to say, but really it's terribly sad. And I have spent many hours sitting in such a worry space that I am totally consumed and paralyzed by it.

Over the years I have learned many ways to free myself from worrying. Amongst them, exercising, being outside in nature, breath work, meditation, yoga, dance, talk therapy, EMDR, brainspotting, the list goes on and on. And is not in any kind of order. Did any of these work? Yes, they all worked. For a period of time, for a period of my life and then something inevitably shifted and allowed a new incarnation of worry to invade the new space I had created. I will say without a doubt that meditation and energy work has been the biggest change agent in my life. But all the work I did prior to being open to starting on that path was integral in getting to that place as well. So there is a great deal of value in all of it. And I honor all the choices I have made to try and heal. 

However, the greatest motivation I have for healing came in the form of an amazing being who I brought into the world...my daughter. Her name is Hebrew and it means "my light." My husband and I named her that because we knew that she truly was our light, guiding us, illuminating our lives. And she has now become my guru, my teacher, my wise one, the leader who guides me on my next paths to healing. With each step I take in motherhood, I feel a shift, I watch as the maiden in me slowly fades away, and along with her many of the worries and fears of that consciousness. With each decision I must make on my daughter's behalf, with each new day with it's challenges and miracles, I am in a constant state of healing, of growth, of becoming. As I am fully present in BEING with her, I am fully present BEING with me. And together we are creating a world that will be able to encompass all the havingness, gratitude, peace, ease, joy, love, and manifesting energy that we can possibly handle.

So the other day, in the middle of diaper changes and "please will you try to go down for a nap", I had a revelation about worry energy. I saw clearly that worry energy comes from a place of non trust. When you worry, you are not trusting life, not trusting G-d, not trusting oneself, or divine freedom or choice. Worry is at it's core a basic mistrust of LIFE. As this revelation came to me I actually thought, well ya, of course, Heather, you know that. BUT, the kicker is, I didn't really GET it, you know? It's like the difference between saying something and really knowing it. The difference between believing something and really living it. I clearly wasn't really getting it, knowing it or living it. Well, shit. Fine then, where do I go from here? Actually there's more.

The next piece that came to me was that when we worry about our loved ones we create doubt energy and put it into that person's space. The message sent to them is that somehow we believe them to be incapable. Maybe we are just concerned for their well being because we love them so much. We think we are helping, right? But loving someone is not synonymous with worrying about them. (Read the last sentence again, it's a good one.) In fact, it may be the exact opposite. While loving someone builds them up, allows them to be seen, creates light and infinite gratitude in their space, worry puts doubt, mistrust, fear in their space and breaks them down. Why would we want to send this message to those we love? That we think they can't handle their choices or their existence? Maybe this is easier to accept (and try to change) when we are talking about our partners/spouses or family and friends. But what about our children or even our babies, who aren't quite "capable" in the world's eyes of doing much? I mean, babies are still learning to eat, to sit up, to crawl around, to make sounds, that kind of thing. As spirits though, our babies or our children are completely capable beings, just as any adult is, they are just in a different part of the journey and of course need our help much much more than they will when they get older. Does that mean it's our responsibility to take away their ability and to overwhelm with our realities and tendencies, asking them to go about their lives the way we would? I don't think so and more on this in future posts for sure because I don't actually want to raise a mini-me. And here is what I figured out. There is a difference between concern energy and worry energy. There is a difference between being attentive and attune to their needs and what is happening in their lives and constantly worrying about them. What we need to do as parents is to be present for them, to bear witness to their greatness. That allows us to be aware of when we need to act, to respond, to guide. Worrying actually takes us out of the present moment and connects us to the past, to our fears, past realities and other times when our information was different than it is now.

My new stance of consciousness is about learning to mother with all of who I am, in present time, with my highest information. Who wants to raise a child that is full of doubt? Doubt of themselves, doubting faith? I do NOT! This I know for sure. What I am less sure of is how to go about doing this. Because since I've had this revelation I have catapulted myself into a huge growth period, fears abounding. I am releasing and letting go - even as I write. I know the ways I want to mother. I know the powerful intention my daughter and I have about living fully and freely with love and peace and ease and harmony. So I will keep going, moment by moment, guided by my truth and my information. What I do know is that the more faith I can have, the more she will have. 
So I will start with me. 
Amen.