I wrote this post over a year ago when I set up this blog and then put it all on hold. I was inspired recently to get back here and re-read this first post. I am publishing it now, and will continue. I promise...
I have been a devout worrier all my life, or at least as long as I can remember. Ask anyone who knows me well, I take worrying to new levels. It sounds funny to write or to say, but really it's terribly sad. And I have spent many hours sitting in such a worry space that I am totally consumed and paralyzed by it.
Over the years I have learned many ways to free myself from worrying. Amongst them, exercising, being outside in nature, breath work, meditation, yoga, dance, talk therapy, EMDR, brainspotting, the list goes on and on. And is not in any kind of order. Did any of these work? Yes, they all worked. For a period of time, for a period of my life and then something inevitably shifted and allowed a new incarnation of worry to invade the new space I had created. I will say without a doubt that meditation and energy work has been the biggest change agent in my life. But all the work I did prior to being open to starting on that path was integral in getting to that place as well. So there is a great deal of value in all of it. And I honor all the choices I have made to try and heal.
However, the greatest motivation I have for healing came in the form of an amazing being who I brought into the world...my daughter. Her name is Hebrew and it means "my light." My husband and I named her that because we knew that she truly was our light, guiding us, illuminating our lives. And she has now become my guru, my teacher, my wise one, the leader who guides me on my next paths to healing. With each step I take in motherhood, I feel a shift, I watch as the maiden in me slowly fades away, and along with her many of the worries and fears of that consciousness. With each decision I must make on my daughter's behalf, with each new day with it's challenges and miracles, I am in a constant state of healing, of growth, of becoming. As I am fully present in BEING with her, I am fully present BEING with me. And together we are creating a world that will be able to encompass all the havingness, gratitude, peace, ease, joy, love, and manifesting energy that we can possibly handle.
So the other day, in the middle of diaper changes and "please will you try to go down for a nap", I had a revelation about worry energy. I saw clearly that worry energy comes from a place of non trust. When you worry, you are not trusting life, not trusting G-d, not trusting oneself, or divine freedom or choice. Worry is at it's core a basic mistrust of LIFE. As this revelation came to me I actually thought, well ya, of course, Heather, you know that. BUT, the kicker is, I didn't really GET it, you know? It's like the difference between saying something and really knowing it. The difference between believing something and really living it. I clearly wasn't really getting it, knowing it or living it. Well, shit. Fine then, where do I go from here? Actually there's more.
The next piece that came to me was that when we worry about our loved ones we create doubt energy and put it into that person's space. The message sent to them is that somehow we believe them to be incapable. Maybe we are just concerned for their well being because we love them so much. We think we are helping, right? But loving someone is not synonymous with worrying about them. (Read the last sentence again, it's a good one.) In fact, it may be the exact opposite. While loving someone builds them up, allows them to be seen, creates light and infinite gratitude in their space, worry puts doubt, mistrust, fear in their space and breaks them down. Why would we want to send this message to those we love? That we think they can't handle their choices or their existence? Maybe this is easier to accept (and try to change) when we are talking about our partners/spouses or family and friends. But what about our children or even our babies, who aren't quite "capable" in the world's eyes of doing much? I mean, babies are still learning to eat, to sit up, to crawl around, to make sounds, that kind of thing. As spirits though, our babies or our children are completely capable beings, just as any adult is, they are just in a different part of the journey and of course need our help much much more than they will when they get older. Does that mean it's our responsibility to take away their ability and to overwhelm with our realities and tendencies, asking them to go about their lives the way we would? I don't think so and more on this in future posts for sure because I don't actually want to raise a mini-me. And here is what I figured out. There is a difference between concern energy and worry energy. There is a difference between being attentive and attune to their needs and what is happening in their lives and constantly worrying about them. What we need to do as parents is to be present for them, to bear witness to their greatness. That allows us to be aware of when we need to act, to respond, to guide. Worrying actually takes us out of the present moment and connects us to the past, to our fears, past realities and other times when our information was different than it is now.
My new stance of consciousness is about learning to mother with all of who I am, in present time, with my highest information. Who wants to raise a child that is full of doubt? Doubt of themselves, doubting faith? I do NOT! This I know for sure. What I am less sure of is how to go about doing this. Because since I've had this revelation I have catapulted myself into a huge growth period, fears abounding. I am releasing and letting go - even as I write. I know the ways I want to mother. I know the powerful intention my daughter and I have about living fully and freely with love and peace and ease and harmony. So I will keep going, moment by moment, guided by my truth and my information. What I do know is that the more faith I can have, the more she will have.
So I will start with me.
Amen.
