Starter Marriage

Thirteen years ago today on a beach in Bermuda, I got married. Surrounded by our closest friends and family, (maybe even you were there), we made promises, circled one another, exchanged rings, and broke a glass. It was a magical and enchanted night and weekend. I felt I was present for all of it, if not a bit intoxicated with the anticipation and longing for a life yet to be. After six years together we were ready to move forward. But if I'm being truthful, the caution signs were there, and maybe they were even big, red stop signs. But we both ignored them all. 

We celebrated one anniversary together and by that time I was a shell of myself. The specifics aren't important, although at the time they felt monumental, but by the time Halloween came around, I was out the door. It took me one week or even less to mutilate an entire home into only what I could fit into my car, along with my two canine companions. The last thing I remember seeing before I left was my $2400 wedding dress on the floor of the dining room, in a pile of dirt and dust, still in its plastic, still waiting to be taken to a special cleaners to be preserved. It never made it, I'm sure. I couldn't even look at it. There are still times when I'm in search of a family possession and when I can't find it, it hits me, I gave it AWAY, I let it GO, I couldn't care for it AND me. I chose me. Yes, I chose me. 

It took many miles (metaphoric and physical) and many years of healing to let go of those unfulfilled promises and lost connections. To let go of the feelings of failure, guilt, shame, blame. To let go of the life I thought I would have and grab a hold of the life I must have. 

Soon after my divorce was FINAL I read a book that called first marriages that ended quickly, happened in your twenties or thirties that came with enormous growth periods (i'm simplifying for blogging purposes) "starter marriages" and although it suggests a relationship with less purpose and roots than I believe is true of most of these marriages (mine included), I have used and admired the term ever since. 

Today during my morning meditation, upon realizing that today is in fact August 4th, this is what came bubbling forth...

Starter marriages are only for those of us who are willing to have our hearts broken wide open and who are willing to be left with nothing but FAITH that they will keep loving and being loved, again and again. They are only for those of us who need to learn that they ARE love and that the truest love comes from loving ourselves and that outside love is only a reflection of inside love. 

Starter marriages are only for those of who get that there is strength and power in changing our minds and following our guts and listening to our hearts and believing we deserve all that we desire to create, even if that means hurting people we care about and feeling utterly alone. 

Starter marriages are only for those of us who are okay with taking risks, dreaming big, and loving with whole hearts. They are only for those of us who get that the length of a marriage, or any relationship, does not dictate the effect it has on our learning, or on how deeply we care for another individual, or on how successful we have been in loving and being loved.

Starter marriages are only for those of us who understand intuitively that words and paper do not alone create meaning upon which an entire life can be built. They teach us that the foundation to create a lifetime of love and devotion begin only within the structures of our own spirit, soul, and body. 

And starter marriages teach us the sometimes awful truth that love just isn't enough to make a marriage work. Love for another person can't fill the gaps that are only there for us to heal, it can't illuminate the shadows within us when the only light we need is the one that shines from within. And as strong as the loving connection between two people can be, it simply won't stand in the way when those people understand that their time is through, even if they don't know why. And that is mainly because LOVE doesn't end just because the relationship does. In fact, I don't think it ever ends, but that's another story. 

Maybe you can learn all these things without ever having a starter marriage. I bet many of you have. We are all infinite beings capable of creating our own journey to discover what is TRUE for us, and this was my way. And maybe my "was-band's" way too. (Don't you love that term? - it's borrowed) Really, all that's left to say is how grateful I am for the EXPERIENCE of it. And to have had such a strong agreement with an individual who was willing to dare right along with me. And even more, I am grateful for the truth of HOPE which is clearly this - you can always BEGIN AGAIN. 




(For Mark - who stands by my side, and for whom I said "yes" again.)